When you were pregnant, people probably told you to enjoy every moment. I remember reading a popular book at the time that actually told poor pregnant mothers that they should savor every bite of nutritious food they ate knowing that they were doing the very best for their child. I was just trying to find any food that didn't make me want to vomit, never mind how nutritious it was! But what was clear was that the mom guilt was already in full force. So then after the baby comes and you are up nursing or watching them breathe or trying to stop them crying and are on your third night of no sleep you may have thought, quietly and a little guiltily, "I am not enjoying this moment at all, in fact, this sucks!" If that's you, I want to say the thing that doesn't get said out loud enough: that does not make you a bad mother. It makes you a normal, honest human one.
Here is the truth that we don't talk enough about. Loving your child and struggling with early motherhood are not opposites. You can adore this baby with your whole heart and still miss your old life, still cry in the car, still wonder if you're doing any of it right. All of that can be true at once.
The early months can ask an enormous amount of you — often more than you feel you have — while handing you a running commentary of self-doubt in return. A few things I'd want a new mother to hear:
1. The second-guessing isn't proof you're failing. The very fact that you're asking "Am I getting this right?" is itself a sign of how much you care.
2. It really does take a village — and letting people help is not cheating, it is in fact what is normal and necessary. Say yes to the meal, the hour of held-baby, the friend who offers to sit while you nap. You were never meant to do this alone, so embrace the help and caring that is offered.
3. Your feelings need somewhere to go that isn't the baby and isn't 2 a.m. inside your own head. A partner, a friend who's been there, a counselor — someone who can hear "this is so much harder than I thought" without rushing to fix you.
There are so many hopes and expectations about what it will be like to be a mother that women have built up in their minds over months or years, but not enough attention is spent talking about the more difficult aspects: the loss of your old identity, the loss of freedom and independence, the effects of sleep deprivation. When I was pregnant with my first child I had bought the most adorable pair of baby shoes with little fishies on them. I had this beautiful vision of putting them on my baby and her sitting in her baby seat outside with my husband and I as we tended to our vegetable garden. The reality was that the minute we put her in her seat she started screaming and though she had been fed and changed when we went outside she would not stop crying until I went inside and nursed her. The disconnect between my vision of how this moment would go and the reality were so different, such a shock to the system. I remember this moment clarifying in the starkest terms the difference between fantasy parenting and the reality of parenting that I was now firmly in. And its ok to admit that it is not all sunshine and roses.
There's a real difference between the ordinary hard of new motherhood and the kind of heaviness that doesn't lift — where the sadness or worry crowds out most of the day. If that's closer to where you are, please don't wait it out alone; it's worth talking to someone, and there is real help.
Wherever you are in it, you don't have to have it all figured out to be a good mother. If you'd like a steady place to sort through the hard parts, I work with women navigating early motherhood, and I'd be glad to talk. You can reach me at (703) 596-4205 or through the contact page.